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The Ultimate Guide to the Dick Cleanse



It hasn’t been a good year for the penis-bearing section of the human race. All of our favourite dick-owners brought down one by one. Spacey, C.K, even Ansari. Their stories may be different, but they all with one thing in common.


Dicks.


They’ve all got ‘em, that’s one sure-fire fact we can take away from all of this. And they’ve been causing nothing but trouble.


And for anyone who read The Look, you’ll know I’m generally a huge fan of them. I was inviting them into my house willy-nilly (yep). And at first it was great. But you can have too much of a good thing, and I feel it’s time we all take a dick break.

“But I love dicks!” I hear you cry. I hear ya. But a dick free life has value too, and I am here to guide you through like the wise, dick-weary woman I am. How many times can I say dick?! Let’s find out!*


DICK CLEANSING 101

2018 is THE YEAR of dick cleansing. It is so cool that everyone is doing it, but also no one else has heard of it yet. Well - it’s time for it’s exposé - and you’ll be happy to hear it’s definitely easier and less expensive than juicing. It’s still up in the air which one is less enjoyable. I’m here to outline the perks.


1) It is a choice.

If you’re inadvertently going through a dick cleanse unplanned, hastened by lack of opportunity, a serious bout of diarrhoea or still living with your parents at the age of 28, dick cleansing is the spin you can put your own sorry life.

It’s not that you can’t get any dick, it’s that you don’t want any. Next time your mum asks you why you haven’t got a boyfriend, you can reply:

“We’re living under the ever increasing threat of a misogynistic patriarchal system, MUM, the ethical choice is to refrain from dick altogether as a form of protest.” *mic drop*“


2) Better health.

There isn’t a day goes by that we don’t read another article claiming that sex is good for us and we should be having a minimum of 4 orgasms a day otherwise we’ll get our vaginal walls will collapse into a black void, disappearing from our bodies completely.

But what about STIs, kids? And I don’t even mean all the big players that condoms protect you from. I mean tonsillitis, athlete’s foot, conjunctivitis or the common cold. This is also a handy thing to bring up if you’re struggling with the oncoming temptation of a new dick – like a kind of reverse foreplay. It works every time.


3) Free time for activities!

Now how long you decide to do your dick cleanse for is entirely up to you, but I would recommend at least a month off the D. This is plenty of time to rehabilitate your dick addiction and when you ease back in, you’ll be consuming dick in moderation. Not a sentence I thought I would write, but here I am, a modern woman. Maybe you’ll whittle it down to 3, or 2, or even 1. Maybe you’ll never turn back and realise you just don’t like dicks anymore, and you never liked them in the first place. Maybe not, but at least you took part.

Either way, imagine all the free time you’ll have. You could take up a new hobby. If you’re really craving the D, why not take up collecting cacti to remind you not to go anywhere near it. You don’t even need to pluck your eyebrows if you don’t want to now, you’re the only person you need to be attractive for. Maybe pluck your eyebrows still, with that in mind.


4) Money.

When you’re looking for the D, nights out are like a magical world of opportunity. The lingering looks. The will we won’t we drama. The witty commentary of your girl friends. The animalistic jungle heat of it all.

Without it you realise that you’ve spent £20 on rum and cokes, you’re in a pub where they have “Let the evening be-gin” and “If the question is wine, the answer is yes.” No. Get out. Get out of there. Be free. Be happy. Be your true self. Wearing sweat pants, two series deep in Mad Men and two bags deep in Doritos.


5) No tidying.

No more trying to hide last night’s plate under the bed while you’re trying to get busy. No? Just me?**


6) Zen calm.

This will only appear after some time off the D. But without all that dick to worry about, think about all the headspace you’ll get. You start to appreciate the finer things in life. The way the flowers move in the breeze. The happy bounding Labrador in the park. The diversity and creativity of our modern vibrator market. How funny it is to press your naked body up to a steamy shower door and see the boob imprints it leaves. What a world lies before you.

According to ‘Care2Health’ – the well-known health website – these are some of the reasons to adopt a dick free lifestyle. I’ve summarised each point in bold capitals for you, just in case you don’t get that.

· Avoid getting HIV or Hepatitis C, which can lead to death - DEATH

  • Avoid getting HPV which can lead to cervical cancer, or even throat cancer contracted from oral sex. Cervical cancer can spread cancer throughout the body, which may lead to death – CANCER & DEATH

  • Reduce risk of other STDs such as herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, genital warts - WARTS

  • Reduce risk of unwanted pregnancy - BABIES

  • Reduce risk of marrying someone solely because of an unwanted pregnancy – I mean, this seems a little dated

  • Reduce risk of abortion due to unwanted pregnancy, or giving up the baby for adoption due to lack of financial means –Yo. Pro-choice. Morning after pill. Where have u been Care2Health

  • Reduce risk of dropping out of high school or college due to an unwanted pregnancy; achieving one’s educational goals before getting pregnant – This some straight up bullshit Care2Health

I really wanted this to be a light hearted fun article, but the world of the wide web is a brutal one. Some questionable advice in there but hey, it’d be irresponsible journalistically of me not to offer an unbiased, varied and complex view of this argument. Even if Care2Health is wrong. Objectively.


Finally, if you’re a real Samantha and you just can’t break free of the D for even 4 weeks, then you might have to address some deep seated issues about yourself. Alternatively, alternatives! Dildos, dick-shaped pasta and those tacky sponge things you used to be able to buy in River Island that expand in water, might just kick those cravings and give you the best detox ever. Not that I’d know!


*It was 23 times, if you must know.

*I’d like to assert that there will be no plates present once the dick cleanse is over, the permanence of this article is beginning to worry me post dick-cleanse.





Written by Natalie Beech

Illustrated by Inès A

170 views

Cover illustration by Christopher Bragg

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