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  • Writer's pictureDitzy

How to Go to Thorpe Park

  1. Forget that this is essentially an open-air standing event and bring none of the following; suncream, waterproofs, supportive shoes, trousers that cover your shins

  2. Roar up to the entrance in a stretch hummer with all the overblown, obnoxious BDE of a president arriving to open a local shopping mall. Hang your heads in shame and shuffle inside as quickly as possible

  3. Make sure you have your period so that you get to change your mooncup every few hours squatting over a Burger King loo

  4. Leave all accessories at home lest you want them to end up nestled in the wind-swept vegetation underneath the third corkscrew on Colossus

  5. Have boring adult conversations about things like the park’s ‘missed branding opportunities’, ‘the comparative g-force pressures of Nemesis and Stealth’ and ‘the likely thread count of the sheets at Thorpe Park resort’

  6. Miss the whole point of Thorpe Park as you assess it through the lens of your adult needs; i.e. the presence or lack of soft furnishings, sitting down opportunities, toilets, water refill stations, low-level lighting

  7. Shed a private tear when you see the haunted house is closed; the only chance you were going to get to be indoors for more than 2 minutes

  8. Enjoy the murky hadal world of the ‘adult only’ parts of the park such as the ‘bar area’ which has the same suspended-in-time-and-space existential horror as an airport pub

  9. Look like you’re having a stroke in all the ride pictures

  10. Try to waft off the rides like a surfer slipping off a 50ft wave straight up to a tiki bar instead of weaving around like a human slinky and being sick into your bag

  11. Try to resist the urge to cross yourself as a spotty 15 year old ‘checks’ if you’re strapped in properly

  12. Realise you need a wee every time you the join the back of queue

  13. Note the ‘corporate’ facilities and make plans to have an away-day there at the earliest possible opportunity - or possibly your wedding

  14. Re-connect with the gentle pleasures of the ‘family’ rides such as the lazy river which are key ‘sitting down’ opportunities disguised as gestures of participation

  15. Realise that 5 hours is exactly the ultimate perfect amount of time to spend at Thorpe Park before the dehydration, sunburn, windburn, whiplash, period pains, back pains, sugar crash, caffeine crash, day-drinking hangover set in

  16. Wake up the next day with at least two dislocated vertebrae and thank your lucky stars you’re not going to thorpe park

  17. Realise that if you have children you may one day have to return with an even older body to do this all again, expect this time your kids will want you to get there at 8am.

  18. Make a mental note to tell your children that Thorpe Park burnt down sometime before they were born

Written by Jess Bird

Illustrated by Rollercoaster Tycoon

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