• Ditzy

The 5 Essential Facebook Profiles

Updated: May 7, 2018

DITZY has been working feverishly to bring you the most significant contribution to species classification since Darwin took a trip to the Galapagos. After 183 years of relative academic stagnation, we are proud to introduce this century’s big breakthrough - the 5 essential facebook profiles.

The Entertainer

  • General profile curation medium-to-poor

  • All personal vanity laid aside in pursuit of comedic and entertainment gold

  • Regularly makes a mockery of your ‘like’ traffic by pulling in triple figures for statuses asking if anyone has a spare fish tank

  • Possible originator of several high-profile memes that were anonymously ‘trickled down’ via Tumblr

  • Doesn’t seem to keep ‘conventional’ working hours

The Blogger

  • Ambient hues of colour-coordinated prof pic/cover photo greet you like soft jazz at a tasteful dinner party

  • Full of sun-soaked, hazy Instagram uploads depicting craft activities, linen totes bags and tiny expressos placed tastefully next to cracked-spine penguin classics

  • Only seems to go places where it is dusk/an Italian piazza/the Toast A/W catalogue shoot

  • Has handsome matching linen spouse

  • Disappointing lack of ‘Zante 2008’ albums

The Absentia

  • Sporadic facebook presence screams of a richly satisfying offline life

  • Total of 35 photos since joining 2004

  • All profile pictures double-scanned jaunty polaroids or ‘ironic’ pictures of defamed politicians/bad footwear/fat Americans

  • Sexy analogue enigma who you suspect is emotionally unavailable and only ‘remembers’ to reply to texts once every fortnight

  • Re-surfaces for one searing annual post that will be the talk of several sub-reddit pages for weeks after (what does it all MEAN?)

The Protagonist

  • Sinister grasp of facebook’s primary function as advertising platform

  • Uses hashtags in the ‘proper way’

  • Does fantastic ‘fuck off’ shots of drinking champagne by infinity pools at sunset

  • Has mastered the art/science (?) of the perfect selfie

  • Gets sent free stuff by detox juice companies

  • Always seems to be on holiday

  • Strangely heart-warming and hateable at the same time

The Gen-X

  • Parent or other relation

  • Enthusiastically ‘likes’ all posts regardless of content or quality. Would comment *smiley with heart eyes* under a post of your own faeces

  • Has 7 people on their newsfeed

  • Doesn’t know what the newsfeed is

  • Shares spam chains by accident

  • Still writes on people’s ‘walls’

  • Accidentally liked that post the one time you let them stalk your ex-boyfs new girlfriend on your phone. Never forgiven.

Written and illustrated by Jess Bird


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Cover illustration by Christopher Bragg

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UK