• Ditzy

Postcards from the Back of an Uber

Updated: May 7, 2018


There is something very meditative about a late night Uber ride by yourself. Spots of orange from the street lights outside pass gently over your drooping eyelids. The day ahead is yet undefined - hazy without the break of sleep to bring it into focus, but full of the comforting promise of hangover food and duvets. It is at this point that my thoughts turn to some of life’s great questions. Questions I’d like answers to:

  1. What if I accidentally marry fuck boy?

  2. What if that lump under my armpit is armpit cancer?

  3. Why do I say bitchy things about people I don’t mean just to make conversation?

  4. What if people bitch about me as much as I bitch about them?

  5. What is the plural of hummus?

  6. Does the perfect pair of jeans exist?

  7. Is it normal to want to hold your friends boobs?

  8. Why do I want to watch lesbian porn if I’m straight?

  9. What if the world is split into two types of boys; boring but safe or interesting but mad AND AT SOME POINT YOU JUST HAVE TO CHOOSE?

  10. Does the iCloud have all my nudes?

  11. What if the man of my dreams was at that party that I didn’t go to last week?

  12. Does someone have a plan for me? Am I meant to have a plan for myself?!

  13. Do people ‘do’ things on Tuesdays?

  14. How do you make new friends??

  15. What if the cool boys really are just as insecure as me? Should I stop mocking them about their hair?

  16. When I try to flirt are people secretly mortified?

  17. Why do I look so different in photos to how I see myself in the mirror? Have I got my eyes in wrong?!

  18. Would I rather BE a vending machine or be trapped IN a vending machine?

  19. What if it really is fuck boy?

  20. Why hasn’t fuck boy texted me?

  21. When did we all decide that we couldn’t wear bandage dresses anymore?

  22. What am I meant to do with my collection of 250 bandage dresses?

  23. When will my beanie babies become priceless collectibles?

  24. Why did we all stop playing the Sims?

  25. What would happen to us if alcohol was banned?

  26. Is it secretly true that I would be happier if I was thinner?

  27. Why do I have such unfeminist thoughts?

  28. Why do I just listen to the same music I did when I was 14?

  29. Is it ok to eat peas when you’re an adult? Or are they pretend veg?

  30. Why do I still identify so much with the life advice of the Simpsons?

  31. When should you stop sleeping in a bed with your mum?

  32. Have I physically been picked up by another human for the last time?

  33. Would I truly really be ok with being alone?

  34. Am I truly really ok with it right now?

  35. Will it all turn out ok in the end?

  36. Who stalks me on facebook?

  37. How can you order 27 ‘necessary household items’ on Amazon prime in 2 months?

  38. How many iPhone chargers have I had in my life?

  39. Why am I so pathologically lazy?

  40. How often do you actually have to read to still claim that you ‘love reading’?

  41. Ditto running

  42. Is everyone else at work just pretending to know what they’re doing?

  43. Do people just ‘know’ when I take a fake sick day?

  44. If I won the lottery tomorrow who would I wreak petty revenge on first?

  45. Would I be a better boy than girl?

  46. Who is my ACTUAL celeb lookalike?

  47. Why do only people who aren’t your friends write happy birthday on your fb wall?

  48. Why do I secretly fancy unattractive older men just because they have power?

  49. How am I meant to find someone when I only fancy people I know but I don’t bother getting to know new people cos I don’t fancy them??

  50. How did I end up in Deptford at 4am?

Written by Ditzy Team

Illustrated by Jess Bird

Cover illustration by Christopher Bragg

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