• Ditzy

How to Holiday Like a Kid

Updated: Apr 30, 2018

Something terrible has happened. Somewhere along the line holidays stopped being about spending 7 days in a pool full of other kid’s wee and started being about heaving ourselves up mountains for the perfect Instagram shot. In a millennial economy that trades on the richness of our experiences rather than summation of our material possessions, holidays have become an extravagant game of supermarket sweep. Instead of lying down and attempting to recharge our poor, adrenalin-ravaged bodies, we end up spending our 25 days a year running around European cities and exotic islands collecting memories like frenzied Super Marios collecting gold coins. The holidays of my childhood were simpler - nothing Instagram-worthy happened, nothing spiritually ‘transformative’ happened. Every year we went on all-inclusive, no-frills package holiday to somewhere hot and sunny. No schedule. No fuss. Everyone just got down to the job of holidaying and holidaying well. We have lost the pure associations that the word ‘holiday’ once conjured up and - in light of this - Ditzy is here to remind you how to holiday like a kid.

  1. Leave all your middle-class self-consciousness at home

  2. Make many many friends on the plane

  3. Spill all your coke in the pool as you make your way back from the ‘swim-up’ bar

  4. Immediately turn your neat, standard double room into a gypsy encampment by hanging your damp cossies over the balcony to dry each day

  5. Get stuck into the ‘3 buffet meals a day’ challenge like a man training for the Olympics

  6. Have at least 7 food groups on your plate at any one time, including one beige thing that you aren’t able to identify until after you’ve nibbled tentatively at the corner

  7. Immediately spill sun cream all over your books

  8. Apply factor 20 in half-hearted patches over your body before washing it all off in the pool

  9. Do not leave the resort for the full 7 days

  10. Do not dedicate even a single moment to worrying about improving yourself, whether you know enough about Cambridge Analytica or if people will get that your braids are ironic (they’re not and no one gives a damn)

  11. Forget Orange Fanta, Lemon Fanta is everything now

  12. Leave your book out in the sun, melting the glue and losing pages 250-350 to the winds

  13. Steal a small child’s goggles, remember how COOL it is being able to see underwater!!

  14. Don’t touch a leaf of raw salad/veg - as this is the only thing that has not been plunged into a vat of oil it will almost definitely contain e-coli

  15. Forget what a podcast is

  16. Forget what the Guardian is

  17. Forget that there is a planet beyond your sun-lounger and the swim-up bar

  18. Stop washing your hair (the braids will hide a multitude of sins)

  19. Have 15 ham and cheese toasties a day

  20. Only eat crisps that are crinkled

  21. When the holiday rep asks if you had a good time, throw your burnt arms in the air, sloshing the last of your pool-bar coke down your neighbour and shout HELL YES

  22. Shed a private tear as the coach careers back towards the airport



Written and illustrated by Jess Bird

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Cover illustration by Christopher Bragg

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