Spray your belongings over your old room, expressing deep hurt and disgust that your family have dared to encroach on this shrine to your existence with their own personal effects
Immediately regress back to the age you were when you left home
Enjoy the ambient aesthetic luxuries of a house with: a. An overarching interior theme that is not either ‘Ikea’ or ‘collection of things other adults in my life no longer wanted’ b. House plants that aren’t dead c. Matching crockery d. A garden that is not a weed covered patio with the remains of a disposable BBQ in the middle of it and a Disney cup full of fag ends and rain water
Have many baths. No bath will ever compete with the bath in your family home – gorge on the experience to help you get through all those miserable Mondays stood shivering in a mildewey shower full of other people’s hair
Re-assert your dominance over younger siblings who may have forgotten about their life of subservience in your absence
Read books you consider yourself too intellectual for now but still have stashed away in your cupboard – #PrincessDiaries #TeamJacob
Smugly spectate in domestic family rows from which you now have diplomatic immunity, occasionally tossing in helpful grenades like “to be fair mum, that is typical you”
Borrow your sister’s student card and immediately lose it
Persuade your mother to wash all of those ‘specialist’ items that you’re too scared to do yourself, automatically placing them under the ‘mum shrinks it, mum pays for it’ cashback guarantee
Talk extensively about your exotic bohemian young person’s life in a wildly exaggerated manner. Let them know very loudly that you’re “like, totally knackered, cos I didn’t go to bed until 5 last night”. Try not to be disappointed when no one cares.
Stock up on supplies of expensive things that you still refuse to buy in your status as ‘not quite adult’. This includes toothbrush heads, good Tupperware, floss and a hardback copy of the latest Ian McEwan novel that you sort of want to read
Leave a trail of crap (cups of tea, apple cores, socks) EVERYWHERE
Throw away all the post your parents have lovingly collected for you without opening it (there is usually quite a backlog given you’re still putting your parent’s address as the ‘billing address’ on everything)
Remind the family pet that it loves you most
Generally be the shit person you are deep down but have to regularly repress due to the fact that you are financially obligated to co-exist with other people your age who have not been biologically programmed to love you unconditionally
Cheerfully wave your family goodbye as they shake their heads and thank Christ that you’re someone else’s problem now
Written by Jess Bird