Rule number one: working in the creative industries is not the job. Looking like you work in the creative industries is the job. The subtle art of invisible, odour-free effort. Hundreds of hours in front of the bedroom mirror, thousands of pounds in Acne - all to make yourself look as ridiculous as possible. If your mum would approve of your outfit then you’re doing it ALL WRONG. So, for those of you currently staring at a wardrobe full of sensible, flattering clothes and wondering where to start, here are some starter looks to get the juices flowing:
LOOK 1: Jumble-sale Cat Lady
A chaotic mess of thick knits, school-girl hair clips and chunky jewelry
Ironic farm animals emblazoned across the front of jumpers
Mad mid-calf tartan skirt
Thick decorative bifocals, despite having 20-20 vision
Migraine-inducing combinations of clashing colours and textures
£500 Balenciaga trainers coupled vaguely with Christmas socks
LOOK 2: Sexy Architect
Painfully stylish in a strict minimalist way
Only owns five personal possessions, all retailing at £500+ (even the pen)
Designer open-toed Jesus sandals
Trouser creases ironed in with a set-square and ruler
Never deviates from specific colour palette of black / navy / charcoal / midnight blue / light grey
Very clean and well manicured nails
Severely pressed box-fresh shirts
Wouldn’t be seen dead in activewear
LOOK 3: 70s Drug Dealer
Vaguely seedy cologne that smells like one-night stands
Tight denim jeans with hand cut bottoms leaving the hems artfully frayed
Elaborate collection of silk shirts covered with palm trees and zebra prints
Scraggy neck beard and moustache
Endless supply of Malboro Reds and chewing gum
Professional lounger and weirdly lean body despite taking no physical exercise
Sunglasses in-doors
Extensive collection of grubby retro gym shoes
Style icons include Napoleon Dynamite
LOOK 4: Nowhere Girl
Ever-present and tastefully distressed Led Zeppelin t-shirt
Bleached hair, dark roots and nibbled nails
Rickety limbs swathed in a collection of ripper garments that look as though they’ve been assembled from the contents of a boyfriend’s bedroom floor
Hands dripping in rings and covered in moody, cryptic tattoos
Asymmetric fringe
Occasionally opts for a string vest and no bra
LOOK 5: Wistful Car Mechanic
Likes utility work-wear despite working in an office on Old Street roundabout
Big on boiler suits and steel-capped shoes
Beanie hats to keep out the breeze on all those long nights spent in Siberian oil rigs
Hundreds of pockets filled with paper clips and air
Carhartt dungarees that smell of fabric softener
Silver chains
Impressive tuft of chest hair over white t-shirt
Written by Jess Bird
Illustrated by Jem Milton
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