• Ditzy

How To Be British

Updated: Apr 9, 2018


"Britishness" is a quality lusted after worldwide, seen as synonymous with elegance, gentility and grace.


The reality of Britain is quite different. It is a cold, divided, ancient little place in the midst of an identity crisis. The Commonwealth has long celebrated getting rid of us. We've cut off the EU to spite our face. Scotland hangs by a thread. What remains of Britain? Who are we and where are we going?


We at Ditzy have put together a list of essential 'Britishisms' in order to find out. If you've ever wondered how on Earth to be British, this is the article for you.


1) The weather must be your constant, masochistic obsession.


2) You must apologise for everything. It's all your fault. Sorry.


3) You must compliment someone's tan after they've been on holiday even if they look exactly the same.


4) You must feel a strange cocktail of superiority and envy towards America, like a troubled but glamorous younger relative.


5) Everything on Earth must be described somewhere between ‘not great’ and ‘quite good’.


6) You must always use 10 words when 3 would be enough.


7) You must never be earnest or enthusiastic about anything at all.


8) You must suppress any true feelings under an armour of politeness.


9) You must belittle your own achievements.


10) You must judge everyone you meet on the school that was chosen for them by their parents at the age of 11.


11) You must end every message with 'xxxx' or we are definitely all going to die.


xxxx


Written by Matilda Curtis

Illustrated by Sophie Traugut

Cover illustration by Christopher Bragg

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