It is important - whilst all semblance of control crumbles away in your real life - to carefully taxonomise the useless trivia that surrounds us. The council may be calling to collect for the unpaid bill you lost months ago, but at least you know which movie star you’d want as your servant or which Simpsons Halloween Special is the best one of all time. Following in this vein of benign uselessness, Ditzy has toiled long and hard - neglecting basic hygiene duties along the way - to bring you the definitive ranking of Disney Princes.
#1 Li Shang (Mulan)
Has a huge stick and knows how to use it
Would be nice to your mum
Looks great topless
Quite into war
Manbun minus useless twatty beard
Very diligent about recycling
Makes a great brew
#2 Dimitri (Anastacia)
Really good at poker
Drinks bourbon
Your mum’s worst nightmare
Drives a motorcycle
Has secret softboy sensibilities
Knows all the best underground clubs in St Petersburg
Would never bring you breakfast in bed
#3 Beast (Beauty and the Beast)
Terrible temper
Mates who throw great parties
Probably a fucking Leo
Has a tail
Gets drunk and bites the heads off live chickens as a party trick
Likes thrash metal
Leaves dirty plates under the bed
Lives in Medieval France
Has a sick library - likes to dedicate wings to his favourite girlfriends
#4 Eric (Ariel the Little Mermaid)
Loves Microsoft’s default font Calibri
Disturbing penchant for teenage girls who can’t speak
Likes a ‘kick around’ with the lads
Terrible date chat
Wears Hollister on his days off
Really bad listener
Wouldn’t understand anything to do with periods
Drinks pints
Likely to cheat
#5 Prince Charming (Cinderella)
Ken doll cheek bones
Knows his Manolo’s from his Louboutins
Persistent
Likes girls to play mysterious
Colgate smile
Wears Y-fronts ironed by his mum
Has no personal effects in his room apart from the IKEA pebble canvas
Left his personality on the bus
Written and illustrated by Jess Bird