• Ditzy

Definitive Ranking of Disney Princes


It is important - whilst all semblance of control crumbles away in your real life - to carefully taxonomise the useless trivia that surrounds us. The council may be calling to collect for the unpaid bill you lost months ago, but at least you know which movie star you’d want as your servant or which Simpsons Halloween Special is the best one of all time. Following in this vein of benign uselessness, Ditzy has toiled long and hard - neglecting basic hygiene duties along the way - to bring you the definitive ranking of Disney Princes.


#1 Li Shang (Mulan)

Has a huge stick and knows how to use it

Would be nice to your mum

Looks great topless

Quite into war

Manbun minus useless twatty beard

Very diligent about recycling

Makes a great brew


#2 Dimitri (Anastacia)

Really good at poker

Drinks bourbon

Your mum’s worst nightmare

Drives a motorcycle

Has secret softboy sensibilities

Knows all the best underground clubs in St Petersburg

Would never bring you breakfast in bed


#3 Beast (Beauty and the Beast)

Terrible temper

Mates who throw great parties

Probably a fucking Leo

Has a tail

Gets drunk and bites the heads off live chickens as a party trick

Likes thrash metal

Leaves dirty plates under the bed

Lives in Medieval France

Has a sick library - likes to dedicate wings to his favourite girlfriends

#4 Eric (Ariel the Little Mermaid)

Loves Microsoft’s default font Calibri

Disturbing penchant for teenage girls who can’t speak

Likes a ‘kick around’ with the lads

Terrible date chat

Wears Hollister on his days off

Really bad listener

Wouldn’t understand anything to do with periods

Drinks pints

Likely to cheat


#5 Prince Charming (Cinderella)

Ken doll cheek bones

Knows his Manolo’s from his Louboutins

Persistent

Likes girls to play mysterious

Colgate smile

Wears Y-fronts ironed by his mum

Has no personal effects in his room apart from the IKEA pebble canvas

Left his personality on the bus


Written and illustrated by Jess Bird

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Cover illustration by Christopher Bragg

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