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  • Writer's pictureDitzy

A Year In Failed Boys

Thanks for the memories 2017 - here’s to many more romantic misadventures. Love from the Ditzy team x

  1. Said I "wasn't like other girls"

  2. Had opinions about my Instagram account

  3. Definitely gave the most wedgies at school

  4. Likes milk

  5. Thought he was progressing the feminist movement by ‘letting’ me pay

  6. Kisses his mother on the lips

  7. Had more vaseline than needed for 'occasional’ chafing

  8. Still wants to be a rapper

  9. Snaggletooth

  10. Thought the elbow was an erogenous zone

  11. Had the bad kind of man jewellery

  12. Has dead shark eyes

  13. Had a sex fantasy that involved just doing an hour of weights

  14. Morning breath like hot mothballs

  15. Took too many baths

  16. Looked like he would get mugged by squirrels

  17. Would have been no use in a zombie apocalypse

  18. Got upset when the dress he was wearing for halloween was "really unflattering"

  19. French plaited my hair REALLY well

  20. Didn’t think girls liked Nando's

  21. Liked Mars bars

  22. Used the monkey emoji

  23. Did not respect the 6 month fart threshold

  24. Said "I just can’t see how David Gandy is fit"

  25. Didn’t have a Sports Direct mug

  26. 'Preferred' girls without make-up

  27. Equated extreme emotional dysfunction with 'mystery'

  28. Ate low fat humous

  29. Had tiny, neat, murdery handwriting

  30. Had long fingernails

  31. Had ketchup with Christmas lunch

  32. Unironically deployed the phrase "dozy mare"

  33. Unironically deployed the phrase "coolio foolio"

  34. Carried his yoga mat everywhere he went

  35. Tried to claim ownership of MY local pub

  36. Owned a start up selling cookies and thought he worked really hard

  37. Pointed out that I had large pores on my nose

  38. Really wanted girls to ask him to put up a shelf but couldn’t actually put up a shelf

  39. Said I “actually had good music taste”

  40. Only wanted to see the female volleyball finals during the London 2012 Olympics

  41. Insisted that fame ‘ruined’ the Foals

  42. Wore his sister’s old My Little Pony t-shirt over his tiny Indie body

  43. Meme recycler

  44. Thought he was the only one could interpret the woke undercurrents in ‘Master of None’

  45. Really fancied his sister

  46. Only ate standing up

  47. Desperately wanted to be ‘sexually confused’

  48. Only had good-looking female friends

  49. Still thought things were ‘lame’ or ‘cool’

  50. Thought pubic hair was ‘vintage’.

  51. Over-identified with the protagonist in American Psycho

Written by Ditzy and friends

Illustrated by Jess Bird

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