They say you’re never more than 6ft away from a rat in the city, well in Zone 1 you’re never more than 6ft away from a group of millennials stuffed in a rave basement doing a lunchtime spin class. ‘Posh Gym Fever’ has gripped the capital, with its delicious cucumber water and seductive marketing. It’s here, it’s real, and you need to be armed with all the information to ensure that you don’t get brainwashed into re-mortgaging your home in exchange for salvation and killer abs.

Due to my superior intelligence I have managed to escape (lol jk I am the proud owner of a Virgin 'Health Club' membership @ £110/month) and am here to help you identify whether you have accidentally been indoctrinated into a cult organisation masquerading as a health empire.

If you answer ‘yes’ to 3 or more of the below then please freeze your bank account and call our free 24-hour cult-extraction hotline.

Does your ‘gym’:

1. Have an elaborate tiered membership system designed to make you covet the ‘premium facilities’ enjoyed by superior ranking members and splash out an extra £50/month for what is essentially free towels and Cowshed shampoo in wall dispensers?

Does your ‘gym’:

2. Have a pseudo-religious name like ‘Equinox’ or ‘Solstice’?

Does your ‘gym’:

3. Contain rooms full of people so high on endorphins they can’t remember their own names, running round and euphorically clapping to upbeat music?

Does your ‘gym’:

4. Make you feel the menacing disappointment of your leader with chirpy email reminders saying “we see you haven’t booked any classes for two weeks Samantha!!”

Does your ‘gym’:

5. Contain legions of perfectly lean men and women who all dress the same and smile at you like they’ve had a frontal lobe lobotomy?

Written and illustrated by Jess Bird