Your house currently looks like the field after Glastonbury weekend
Days of the week have become a roulette of drunkenness - no Tuesday is safe
Can’t sleep for no reason
The small amount of sleep you are getting is filled with vivid sex dreams and/or dreams about your baby turning into a dog
You’re talking about house parties like some by-gone era - the way your parents would probably talk about the ‘summer of love’ if you ever listened
You’ve started throwing bold flirtatious glances at strangers in the park
You’re drinking like you did at 14; i.e. getting wasted, losing your bike and/or shoes, never knowing when ‘a quick beer in the park at 3pm’ will become a 15-hour bender involving a traffic cone
Deep into a Disney plus subscription
All work and no play makes jack a dull boy
Wait, what was I doing?
‘Your screen time this week went up by 317% to 8 hours a day’
Have started wearing pyjamas on zoom and actively inviting your cat to participate
Are fully ‘post work’ and ‘post health’ and definitely over your sourdough starter bread unless it can be boiled down into some sort of spirit - in which case ‘Happy Tuesday’
Hate your parents. Hate everything. Urgh lame.
Don’t want to cook anymore
Don’t want to make good life choices anymore
Have run all the runs in London. Ever.
And all the cycle rides.
Ready to kill anyone who says ‘only boring people get bored’
Desperately want something but have no idea what it is. Maybe a fag
Written by Jess Bird
Image: Kuo-Cheng Liao