• Ditzy

10 Signs You Have Lockdown Fever



  1. Your house currently looks like the field after Glastonbury weekend

  2. Days of the week have become a roulette of drunkenness - no Tuesday is safe

  3. Can’t sleep for no reason

  4. The small amount of sleep you are getting is filled with vivid sex dreams and/or dreams about your baby turning into a dog

  5. You’re talking about house parties like some by-gone era - the way your parents would probably talk about the ‘summer of love’ if you ever listened

  6. You’ve started throwing bold flirtatious glances at strangers in the park

  7. You’re drinking like you did at 14; i.e. getting wasted, losing your bike and/or shoes, never knowing when ‘a quick beer in the park at 3pm’ will become a 15-hour bender involving a traffic cone

  8. Deep into a Disney plus subscription

  9. All work and no play makes jack a dull boy

  10. Wait, what was I doing?

  11. ‘Your screen time this week went up by 317% to 8 hours a day’

  12. Have started wearing pyjamas on zoom and actively inviting your cat to participate

  13. Are fully ‘post work’ and ‘post health’ and definitely over your sourdough starter bread unless it can be boiled down into some sort of spirit - in which case ‘Happy Tuesday’

  14. Hate your parents. Hate everything. Urgh lame.

  15. Don’t want to cook anymore

  16. Don’t want to make good life choices anymore

  17. Have run all the runs in London. Ever.

  18. And all the cycle rides.

  19. Ready to kill anyone who says ‘only boring people get bored’

  20. Desperately want something but have no idea what it is. Maybe a fag

Written by Jess Bird

Image: Kuo-Cheng Liao


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Cover illustration by Christopher Bragg

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UK