The Slightly Too Old Person

• Accidentally gives away his age by discussing his ‘Saturday morning’ plans

• Brings a £15 bottle of wine

• Gets fussy about things like ‘real glasses’

• Doesn’t have a cover on his iPhone cos he is careful with his possessions

• Keeps his jumper on the whole time

The Tortured Intellectual

• Likes to corner people at 3am to discuss relativism

• Really stress-tests your recollection of that GCSE module on political theory

• Good at hair flipping and mansplaining

• Says things like “this is so much better on Vinyl”

• Misquotes Satre in between sips of Red Stripe

• Spotted days later in Barnes with his mum

The Mysterious Loo Girl

• Girl who becomes your best friend for the duration of x1 wee

• Always has lip-balm and tampons on her despite having no pockets

• Handles the no loo-roll situation like a champ

• Always has man problems (which you offer enthusiastic advice on)

• Makes big plans with you for the next day that will never happen

• Thinks you have, honestly, the most beautiful eyes she’s ever seen

The Management Consultant

• Has the haunted look of someone who doesn’t remember what 8 hours sleep feels like

• Arrives straight from work at 11pm in a suit soaked with stress and tears

• Has three phones (one of which is a Blackberry)

• Sinks three beers in 7 minutes

• Gets a call from his senior associate at 11.35, does 2 lines of coke and speeds back to the office in an Addison Lee

• Says he’s quitting next week

The Party Unicorn

• Beautiful woman who disappears off to another party before you pluck up the courage to flirt with her

• Smells of mist and longing

• Has a mysterious ‘continental’ accent

• Smokes thin cigarettes

• Possible member of Swedish folk band ‘First Aid Kit’

The Everyman

• Inoffensive guy in a Carhartt jacket who looks like every other person you’ve ever seen at a party

• Instantly forgettable one-syllable name

• Generally regarded as an all-round ‘safe dude’

• Feel like you may have got with him once but can’t quite remember

• You part with the mutual sign off ‘see you later’...and you always do

The YOLO Girl

• All-round hero partying like it’s her last night on earth

• Would never kill the dancefloor with garage tunes

• Always accepts a glass of punch, no questions asked

• Gives away her fags

• Somehow ends up with glitter on her face

• Dances so hard that her skirt shimmies round back to front

• Is the only person who could lose one shoe at a party

The Reluctant Co-Host

• Housemate who never wanted a party in the first place

• Barricades herself in her room with all the loo-rolls and succulents

• Points fingers accusingly at innocent party-goers asking who they know

• Huffs around in her dressing gown turning music down

• Tries in vain to stop people eating her bagels

The Smug Couple

• Speak in nauseating collective pronouns

• Kiss like teenagers in the corner

• Talk about the park run they did that morning

• Leave at 10pm to go have scented candle sex

• Blissfully unbothered by all the party drama cos they've found a higher meaning

The Peter Pan

• Doesn’t want to grow up or go home

• Asks if anyone is ‘keen to get some gack in’ at 5am

• Cuts a slightly sad figure - classic ‘Fun Bobby’ type

• Can be found gurning and chatting animatedly to a girl passed out by the loo

• Disappears into the watery dawn at 7am like a weird party mirage

• No mention of a family / job / any real-life context

Written and Illustrated by Jess Bird