• Ditzy

10 People At Every House Party

Updated: Apr 26, 2018

The Slightly Too Old Person

  • Accidentally gives away his age by discussing his ‘Saturday morning’ plans

  • Brings a £15 bottle of wine

  • Gets fussy about things like ‘real glasses’

  • Doesn’t have a cover on his iPhone cos he is careful with his possessions

  • Keeps his jumper on the whole time

The Tortured Intellectual

  • Likes to corner people at 3am to discuss relativism

  • Really stress-tests your recollection of that GCSE module on political theory

  • Good at hair flipping and mansplaining

  • Says things like “this is so much better on Vinyl”

  • Misquotes Satre in between sips of Red Stripe

  • Spotted days later in Barnes with his mum

The Mysterious Loo Girl

  • Girl who becomes your best friend for the duration of x1 wee

  • Always has lip-balm and tampons on her despite having no pockets

  • Handles the no loo-roll situation like a champ

  • Always has man problems (which you offer enthusiastic advice on)

  • Makes big plans with you for the next day that will never happen

  • Thinks you have, honestly, the most beautiful eyes she’s ever seen

The Management Consultant

  • Has the haunted look of someone who doesn’t remember what 8 hours sleep feels like

  • Arrives straight from work at 11pm in a suit soaked with stress and tears

  • Has three phones (one of which is a Blackberry)

  • Sinks three beers in 7 minutes

  • Gets a call from his senior associate at 11.35, does 2 lines of coke and speeds back to the office in an Addison Lee

  • Says he’s quitting next week

The Party Unicorn

  • Beautiful woman who disappears off to another party before you pluck up the courage to flirt with her

  • Smells of mist and longing

  • Has a mysterious ‘continental’ accent

  • Smokes thin cigarettes

  • Possible member of Swedish folk band ‘First Aid Kit’

The Everyman

  • Inoffensive guy in a Carhartt jacket who looks like every other person you’ve ever seen at a party

  • Instantly forgettable one-syllable name

  • Generally regarded as an all-round ‘safe dude’

  • Feel like you may have got with him once but can’t quite remember

  • You part with the mutual sign off ‘see you later’...and you always do

The YOLO Girl

  • All-round hero partying like it’s her last night on earth

  • Would never kill the dancefloor with garage tunes

  • Always accepts a glass of punch, no questions asked

  • Gives away her fags

  • Somehow ends up with glitter on her face

  • Dances so hard that her skirt shimmies round back to front

  • Is the only person who could lose one shoe at a party

The Reluctant Co-Host

  • Housemate who never wanted a party in the first place

  • Barricades herself in her room with all the loo-rolls and succulents

  • Points fingers accusingly at innocent party-goers asking who they know

  • Huffs around in her dressing gown turning music down

  • Tries in vain to stop people eating her bagels

The Smug Couple

  • Speak in nauseating collective pronouns

  • Kiss like teenagers in the corner

  • Talk about the park run they did that morning

  • Leave at 10pm to go have scented candle sex

  • Blissfully unbothered by all the party drama cos they've found a higher meaning

The Peter Pan

  • Doesn’t want to grow up or go home

  • Asks if anyone is ‘keen to get some gack in’ at 5am

  • Cuts a slightly sad figure - classic ‘Fun Bobby’ type

  • Can be found gurning and chatting animatedly to a girl passed out by the loo

  • Disappears into the watery dawn at 7am like a weird party mirage

  • No mention of a family / job / any real-life context

Written and Illustrated by Jess Bird

Cover illustration by Christopher Bragg

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UK